Summary: When looking for a potential spouse, you should look for someone who fears the Lord, prioritizes communication over conflict, acts in line with their words, treats others with respect, and guards your purity.
Marriage is one of God’s most beautiful gifts to us. But how do you know when you’ve found “the one”? As Christians, our approach to finding a spouse should look different from the world’s approach.
Proverbs 18:22 reminds us, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” Marriage is a blessing from God, but finding the right person requires wisdom, discernment, and patience.
Before diving into what to look for in a potential Christian spouse, here’s the most important advice: Focus on becoming the right person rather than just finding the right person.
When you concentrate on growing in your relationship with Christ and developing godly character, you’ll not only become a better potential spouse but also gain clarity about who would complement your journey with Christ.
Now, let’s explore five essential qualities to look for in a potential Christian spouse.
1. A Potential Christian Spouse Should Fear the Lord
The foundation of any strong Christian marriage is a shared commitment to Christ. Proverbs 1:7 tells us, “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction.”
When both partners fear the Lord, they:
- Share the same spiritual foundation
- Use the Bible as their “playbook” for life
- Have a source for resolving conflicts
- Seek wisdom from the same source
What does this look like in a dating relationship? Look for someone who:
- Has a consistent prayer life
- Studies Scripture regularly
- Seeks to apply biblical principles in daily decisions
- Prioritizes church and kingdom values over worldly pursuits
A person who genuinely loves Jesus will show it in their daily habits, priorities, and decisions. When you find someone who loves Jesus more than they love you, you’ve found a treasure. As you both pursue God, you’ll naturally grow closer to each other.
2. A Christian Spouse Should Prioritize Communication Over Conflict
Marriage inevitably brings conflict. We’re different by design—men and women approach situations differently, have different communication styles, and come from different backgrounds. These differences can lead to misunderstandings and disagreements.
Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” This sharpening process involves friction! Marriage is God’s tool for sanctification, exposing our selfishness and areas of our lives not yet submitted to Christ.
When evaluating a potential spouse, observe how they handle conflict:
- Do they communicate effectively, or do they shut down?
- Are they constantly quarrelsome, or do they seek resolution?
- Do they bring up every little disagreement, or can they overlook minor offenses?
- Do they seek to understand rather than just being understood?
Proverbs 15:1 provides wisdom here: “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Watch for someone who can respond gently even when tensions rise.
Also, pay attention to Proverbs 19:11, which praises those who can overlook an offense. Does your potential spouse keep score of wrongs, or do they practice forgiveness?
Remember, you’re not looking for someone who never disagrees with you but someone committed to working through disagreements in a healthy, Christ-honoring way.
3. A Potential Christian Spouse’s Actions Should Match Their Words
People don’t magically become better after marriage—marriage simply magnifies who they already are. Be a fruit inspector! Look at the evidence of their character.
Here are three areas to examine when evaluating someone’s actions
Honesty
Proverbs 12:22 says, “Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, but those who act faithfully are his delight.” Consider:
- Are they truthful, even when it’s difficult?
- Do they have integrity in all areas of life?
- Is their word reliable?
Work ethic
Look at their work ethic too. Proverbs 10:4 notes, “Slothful hands cause poverty, but diligent hands bring wealth.” This isn’t just about financial success—it’s about their approach to responsibility:
- Do they take initiative?
- Are they willing to work hard?
- Do they help without being asked?
Humility
Pride is another character area to evaluate. Proverbs 16:18 warns, “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” A humble potential spouse:
- Can admit when they’re wrong
- Doesn’t always need to be the center of attention
- Celebrates others’ successes without feeling threatened
- Seeks wisdom from others, especially those with more experience
4. A Good Christian Spouse Will Treat Others with Godly Respect
How someone treats others—especially those who can’t do anything for them—reveals their heart. Pay close attention to:
- How they speak to and about their parents
- Their attitude toward siblings and extended family
- Their respect for authority figures
- Their treatment of service workers and strangers
Jesus taught that how we treat others is how we treat Him. Proverbs 19:17 says, “Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed.”
Look for someone who shows:
- Generosity with time, talents, and resources
- Compassion for those in need
- Respect for all people, regardless of status
- No partiality or favoritism (Proverbs 24:23)
These qualities indicate a heart transformed by Christ—one that will likely extend the same grace and kindness to you in marriage.
5. A Godly Potential Spouse Will Guard Your Purity
Physical intimacy is God’s beautiful gift within marriage—and only within marriage. Someone who truly loves you will respect God’s boundaries for physical intimacy.
Proverbs 23:27 warns, “For a prostitute is a deep pit; an adulteress is a narrow well.” Physical intimacy outside of marriage is described as a trap that “keeps you longer than you want to stay and costs you more than you want to pay.”
A godly potential spouse will:
- Establish clear physical boundaries
- Take responsibility for guarding your purity
- Not pressure you to compromise
- Keep a safe distance from temptation
As Proverbs 5:8 advises, “Keep your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house.” The principle is clear: don’t even go near the line. Decide your boundaries early in the relationship, far before temptation arises.
Remember: dating couples are not married couples. One of the greatest dangers in Christian dating is acting married before you are married.
Finding a Christian Spouse: Remember What Matters Most
Marriage is ultimately not about being loved but about learning to love another person sacrificially. It’s God’s tool for our sanctification, helping us become more like Christ.
The Gospel empowers us to:
- Overlook offenses
- Love unconditionally
- Trust beyond our natural capacities
- Serve selflessly
Whether you’re single and searching or already in a relationship, remember that your primary relationship is with Christ. When you are content in Him, everything else—including marriage—becomes “icing on the cake.”
As you evaluate a potential spouse, don’t forget to evaluate yourself. Are you becoming the kind of person who would make a godly spouse? Are you growing in your relationship with Christ and developing the qualities you’re looking for in another?
The journey toward marriage begins with a relationship with God, who reconciles us to Himself through Christ and enables us to build healthy relationships with others. With His guidance, you can find a spouse who will join you in a life-giving, God-honoring marriage.
